My Life is Brilliant

My year has been really great. The first semester of my senior year was really something, not because it was devoid of frustrations, but because I’ve finally been able to see what sort of impact this whole business has had on me.

First and foremost, as nerdy as it is, band. Everyone has that thing that shapes them in ridiculous ways. It’s that thing they will never forget, and there is no real reason or way to explain it to anyone else. The directors have had some outrageous influence on what I do and how I do it, which is kind of sick. It has taught me a lot and brought me a long way from the pretentious jerk that I was. There’s really no reason or way to explain. I have been a part of something really great; though at times I’ve felt that I’ve done very little contribution to that greatness. For instance, repeatedly banging a C on the chimes isn’t a real accomplishment. I have been a part of something great. (I really just like to see that in writing.)

I really enjoyed this semester because I got to take classes that, mostly, I liked. They were subjects I enjoyed studying, which means that the work didn’t feel much like work. Even though I know I should be taking a math class, I didn’t miss doing math homework every night. Reading books and writing papers is my thing, and it’s good to have a thing. Next semester requires that I only take one class because I am going to be a page. I will be taking two fake band classes and Honors English. It should be a terrible amount of fun for me.

My doofy friends are pretty good too. Even though most of them are at college, I made some friends that are my age, which was a big step. Hah. We went to Happy Meal Wednesday, we played some band, and we did some Taraccino-age. And even though none of them wanted to ponder existentialism with me, they at least provided a way for me not to be alone every night.

I’m a little excited for things to come, but scared, too. Obviously I am far past needing to graduate, but even as I long to freaking leave, I know I’ll miss a lot of things. As Anatole France said, “All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”

I will not miss the bullshit rules that I am surrounded by, because other kids can’t keep their stuff together, but I realize that a whole new level of bullshit is about to arise. I just figured out how to beat this system, even though beating it often requires tactics that I will not stoop to, I’m excited, but scared to face the realization that I also cannot beat another, bigger, stronger system.

I’m scared that I won’t get to go to college where I want to go. I’m scared that if I do get to go there, I’ll fuck up, flunk out, and move back into my parent’s basement. Something about uncertainty and insecurity gets under everyone’s skin, I think. But this story of fear and failure becomes cliche, because it's the same story that everyone else is telling. That, however, doesn't change the fact that my fear of uncertainty is incomprehensively powerful, but still, forget I said anything.

Ashley

It’s been a long December and there’s reason to believe
That maybe this year will be better than the last
I can’t remember all the times I’ve tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass